Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
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