as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
