I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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