I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize
