Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
