I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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