So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
