Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Randomize
