i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
