you traded sex for a burrito?
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
