I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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