I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I think I died a long time ago.
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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