Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
