I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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