My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I need moral support for this bender
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize
