It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
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