this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
You're like the curious george of whores
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
