they say Disney World is the happiest place on Earth. It's a close second to the Super 8 on route 18. That place holds some great memories.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
