Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Randomize
