she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
