So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize
