I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Randomize
