if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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