Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
