Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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