I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
We need to rekindle our bromance
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
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