I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
