We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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