I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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