Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
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