R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
