I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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