I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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