I'm retarded. Again.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?