Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
