We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
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