i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
