awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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