Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
