stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Randomize
