I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Randomize
