Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Randomize
