Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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