sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
