I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize