The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
Randomize
