i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
