you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
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