I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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