carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
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