just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
