Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize