I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
