Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
