My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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