I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
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