No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
