True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Randomize
