If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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