I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Randomize
