is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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