Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
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