Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
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