Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
