I am in a vortex of obligation.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
Randomize
