she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
