Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
