After last night, I could never be a politician.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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