just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Randomize
